cincinnatus_c (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cincinnatus_c) wrote2021-09-16 09:04 pm
cincinnatus_c) wrote2021-09-16 09:04 pm
Y'know
Norm Macdonald is the only comedian I ever really gave a shit about. I often think of someone who used to live around here saying that he had two heroes, Jesus Christ and Nick Cave. If I were going to start naming heroes of mine, first of all, that would seem like a weird thing for me to do, but Nick Cave would certainly also be up there, and anyone who has been paying any attention at all here over the years will know that Howard Adelman is really my most obvious hero. Sam Mallin you'd have to say is up there, and certainly my maternal grandfather is as well. If I were just trying to list heroes of mine, I probably wouldn't think of Norm Macdonald ... or if I did, it would take me a really long time. But if I'm thinking of Norm Macdonald then I think, yeah, that guy is a hero of mine, in the same kind of way that Tony Fernandez and George Bell were heroes of mine when I was a kid--I emulated them, channeled them ... as you say on the schoolyard baseball diamond, I was them, when I was trying to do the kinds of things they did. If I'm telling a joke or a funny story, I'm Norm Macdonald.
Anyway, back around the beginning of COVID I came up with this joke that I certainly couldn't get away with telling in public myself, but Norm could. So it was "a joke I wrote for Norm", though, y'know, I wasn't gonna be a random lunatic sending jokes to Norm Macdonald. Turns out it's a little close to the bone, but by God this is the joke Norm would be telling today if Norm were here:
So a few weeks ago, y'know, I got this cough, y'know, a terrible cough, I was coughing and coughing, y'know, and there's the virus, y'know, this virus? This COVID-19? You know this virus? It's terrible, this virus, this COVID-19, it kills people, y'know, it can actually kill you, there are people dying of this terrible virus, this COVID-19. And do you know what one of the symptoms of this virus, this COVID-19, one of the main symptoms of this virus, do you know what it is? Coughing! And I'm coughing, y'know, I can't stop coughing, I'm coughing all day, y'know, so I think, I'll take this syrup, they call it a cough syrup, y'know, I'll take that and maybe it will make me stop coughing and coughing, y'know, but it does nothing, I keep coughing and coughing, I'm coughing all night, y'know, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm losing weight, y'know, all I'm doing is coughing, and this goes on for days, y'know, and I think, my God, I think I have this terrible virus, this COVID-19. I'm really scared, y'know, because this virus, this COVID-19, it can actually kill you, y'know, I don't want to have this COVID-19, but I'm scared that I do. So I don't want to get tested, y'know, because what if I have this virus, this COVID-19, then I will have to face the fact that I might die, y'know, of this virus, this COVID-19, I might have to face the terrible fact of my own mortality. And I don't want that, y'know. But finally my buddy tells me, he tells me, y'know, you gotta get tested, man, it's your civic duty to get tested, y'know, because they need to know how many people have this virus, this COVID-19, y'know, so that they know, so that the powers that be know what to do. Because they're trying to protect us, y'know, from this virus, this COVID-19, and they won't know how to protect us unless they know how many people have it, y'know. So now I think, wow, I guess it is my civic duty to get tested for this virus, this COVID-19, I will have to steel up my gizzards and go get tested, y'know. So I go to my doctor, y'know, and I am waiting in the waiting room with other people who might have this virus, this COVID-19, y'know, and I'm scared, y'know, but I think, I am here doing my civic duty with these other people, we are here doing our civic duty together, there is a kind of camaraderie, a kind of esprit-de-corps, that I feel with these other peope, y'know, and it fills me with a kind of pride, y'know, to be getting tested for this virus, this COVID-19. Not everyone would do it, y'know. So I get tested, y'know, my doctor sticks the thing in my nose, y'know, and I'm so proud that I'm doing my civic duty that, y'know how they say it hurts, I don't even notice it, y'know, because I'm so proud of myself, doing my civic duty, getting tested for this virus, this COVID-19. And my doctor wants to do some other tests, y'know, I don't know what for, I'm filled with this pride y'know, and admiration for my doctor, who is also doing his civic duty, on the front lines, y'know, fighting this terrible virus, this COVID-19, so I don't know what else it is my doctor is doing, but he is a very thorough man, my doctor, y'know, it is a thing about him that I admire, his thoroughness, y'know. So I go home, I'm still coughing, y'know, coughing and coughing but I feel great. I feel really, really great, because I've done my civic duty, y'know, getting tested for this COVID-19, and I am full of admiration and gratitude for the work of our frontline healthcare heroes, y'know, fighting this terrible virus, this COVID-19. And a couple of days go by, y'know, and this feeling of pride gradually fades, y'know, and the fear returns, the fear that it will turn out that I have this terrible virus, this COVID-19, because I keep coughing and coughing, the coughing never stops, I can't even brush my teeth, y'know, because I keep coughing and coughing. So I have this great fear, which is building and building within me like an immense and monstrous presence that is almost greater than the virus itself, y'know, the fear of having this terrible virus, this COVID-19. But then finally my doctor calls, and I'm so relieved because it turns out I have lung cancer.
Anyway, back around the beginning of COVID I came up with this joke that I certainly couldn't get away with telling in public myself, but Norm could. So it was "a joke I wrote for Norm", though, y'know, I wasn't gonna be a random lunatic sending jokes to Norm Macdonald. Turns out it's a little close to the bone, but by God this is the joke Norm would be telling today if Norm were here:
So a few weeks ago, y'know, I got this cough, y'know, a terrible cough, I was coughing and coughing, y'know, and there's the virus, y'know, this virus? This COVID-19? You know this virus? It's terrible, this virus, this COVID-19, it kills people, y'know, it can actually kill you, there are people dying of this terrible virus, this COVID-19. And do you know what one of the symptoms of this virus, this COVID-19, one of the main symptoms of this virus, do you know what it is? Coughing! And I'm coughing, y'know, I can't stop coughing, I'm coughing all day, y'know, so I think, I'll take this syrup, they call it a cough syrup, y'know, I'll take that and maybe it will make me stop coughing and coughing, y'know, but it does nothing, I keep coughing and coughing, I'm coughing all night, y'know, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm losing weight, y'know, all I'm doing is coughing, and this goes on for days, y'know, and I think, my God, I think I have this terrible virus, this COVID-19. I'm really scared, y'know, because this virus, this COVID-19, it can actually kill you, y'know, I don't want to have this COVID-19, but I'm scared that I do. So I don't want to get tested, y'know, because what if I have this virus, this COVID-19, then I will have to face the fact that I might die, y'know, of this virus, this COVID-19, I might have to face the terrible fact of my own mortality. And I don't want that, y'know. But finally my buddy tells me, he tells me, y'know, you gotta get tested, man, it's your civic duty to get tested, y'know, because they need to know how many people have this virus, this COVID-19, y'know, so that they know, so that the powers that be know what to do. Because they're trying to protect us, y'know, from this virus, this COVID-19, and they won't know how to protect us unless they know how many people have it, y'know. So now I think, wow, I guess it is my civic duty to get tested for this virus, this COVID-19, I will have to steel up my gizzards and go get tested, y'know. So I go to my doctor, y'know, and I am waiting in the waiting room with other people who might have this virus, this COVID-19, y'know, and I'm scared, y'know, but I think, I am here doing my civic duty with these other people, we are here doing our civic duty together, there is a kind of camaraderie, a kind of esprit-de-corps, that I feel with these other peope, y'know, and it fills me with a kind of pride, y'know, to be getting tested for this virus, this COVID-19. Not everyone would do it, y'know. So I get tested, y'know, my doctor sticks the thing in my nose, y'know, and I'm so proud that I'm doing my civic duty that, y'know how they say it hurts, I don't even notice it, y'know, because I'm so proud of myself, doing my civic duty, getting tested for this virus, this COVID-19. And my doctor wants to do some other tests, y'know, I don't know what for, I'm filled with this pride y'know, and admiration for my doctor, who is also doing his civic duty, on the front lines, y'know, fighting this terrible virus, this COVID-19, so I don't know what else it is my doctor is doing, but he is a very thorough man, my doctor, y'know, it is a thing about him that I admire, his thoroughness, y'know. So I go home, I'm still coughing, y'know, coughing and coughing but I feel great. I feel really, really great, because I've done my civic duty, y'know, getting tested for this COVID-19, and I am full of admiration and gratitude for the work of our frontline healthcare heroes, y'know, fighting this terrible virus, this COVID-19. And a couple of days go by, y'know, and this feeling of pride gradually fades, y'know, and the fear returns, the fear that it will turn out that I have this terrible virus, this COVID-19, because I keep coughing and coughing, the coughing never stops, I can't even brush my teeth, y'know, because I keep coughing and coughing. So I have this great fear, which is building and building within me like an immense and monstrous presence that is almost greater than the virus itself, y'know, the fear of having this terrible virus, this COVID-19. But then finally my doctor calls, and I'm so relieved because it turns out I have lung cancer.